exploring your differences - taking off the mask that isn't needed anymore
exploring your differences - taking off the mask that isn't needed anymore
turns out - you're not flawed, lazy, broken, or wrong
Diagnosed young. Diagnosed late. Undiagnosed. Self-diagnosed. All welcome here.
Where are you on your personal journey with ADHD? Full of grief or self-belief?
Life before the discovery of your neurotype is like trying to find your way in the dark without a map or a flashlight. For years, maybe even decades, you believed that your challenges were a reflection of your flaws and inability to cope with life as an adult.
Without this “label”, you were unable to recognise every day valid ADHD struggles and differences, causing layers of guilt and shame to build up. You kept stumbling and blaming yourself for not being more careful, despite the obvious setback of being unable to see the obstacles in your way. Over time, every piece of criticism, whether it was from yourself or others, hardened into a mask.
Masking is a neurodivergent concept explained by Dr Russell Barkley, and it’s something we do to fit in and feel safe. We think that other people won’t or can’t accept us as we are, and so we hide. Common examples of this include:
🎭 Reducing the intensity of your feelings
🎭 Pretending you’re not super sensitive
🎭 Stopping yourself from interrupting
🎭 Appearing organised externally only
🎭 Acting like you’re not distracted
🎭 Hiding your valid experiences
🎭 Making fake excuses for being late
🎭 Stopping any kind of fidgeting/stimming
🎭 Curbing enthusiastic ideas/suggestions
🎭 Ignoring your needs/struggles
The mask becomes tight when you’ve been wearing it non-stop, melding into your skin so that you barely remember what it’s like to be your full authentic ADHD self. If it ever slipped, neurotypical negative reactions would cement it back into place:
“Ugh, stop complaining.”
“Jeez, you’re really emotional.”
“How do you not remember?”
“How do you lose everything?”
“I literally just explained that.”
They didn’t know. You didn’t know. Generations of us, missed and overlooked.
These judgements aren’t a reflection of your flaws, they’re an insight into the lack of understanding that people have had and continue to have for ADHD adults. Let’s change that with a little breakdown of each criticism and how it relates to your executive functions, which are the cognitive processes that get us through the day - like planning, problem solving, attention, and self-regulation.
Complaining? How about recognition of common sensory hypersensitivities?
Hypersensitivity is a condition characterised by extreme sensitivity or heightened response to sensory stimuli from the environment that you’re doing your frickin’ best to exist within. To others, you may seem to have an exaggerated response to sensory input (sound, smell, touch, taste, smell, visual stimuli) and this results in VALID AF discomfort, distress, and sometimes pain. You experience the world more intensely, so how about some compassion for that difference?
Emotional? How about acknowledgement that emotional dysregulation is real?
Emotional regulation is just one of many executive functions that are impacted by our neurodevelopmental differences - our brain, it’s literally different. Louder for the people in the back. The intense, unpredictable, and often seemingly disproportionate emotional responses that adults with ADHD are experiencing on a day to day basis, these can be caused by feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, or overcommitted. We have challenges with regulating our emotions… and that’s okay.
Forgetful? How about recognising the working memory ain’t working?
Working memory is another executive function that we can find challenging, also known as short term memory, it’s the ability to temporarily hold or retain information. Ever wondered why you’re fishing the microwave meal packet back out of the bin because you weren’t sure how many minutes to program, despite reading it just seconds before. Naturally, you’ll forget things and lose items.
You were disconnected from yourself because there was information missing - and that wasn’t your fault. Before exploring your differences, read five of the reasons why too many adults (especially women and AFAB individuals) were missed1.
The diagnostic process favours obvious external presentations of Hyperactive and Combined ADHD, ignoring the internal experiences of Inattentive ADHD. The subtle differences of the Inattentive ADHD presentation were also hidden by damaging but common self-protective coping strategies, such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxious overcompensating.
The diagnostic process also favours one gender, with young girls receiving simplistic reasoning for each of their obvious-now-but-not-so-obvious-then ADHD traits. She isn’t hyperactive, she’s just a chatterbox. She isn’t unable to follow instructions, she’s just a daydreamer. She isn’t struggling with working memory, she’s just ditsy. From childhood, the messages are always clear - young girls needed to try harder to fit in and fit inside their gender stereotypical boxes.
Back in the 1990’s, there was a common belief that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder was over-diagnosed in hyperactive little boys under the age of twelve. Parents developed a stigma against diagnosis, influenced by international media bias against medication and diagnostic practices. Adults with ADHD were only been recognised in the DSM from 2013. Education is slowly catching up. Prior to that there was a misconception that all children with ADHD “grew out of it”.
Lack of adequate education on executive functioning differences and ADHD have lead to generations of women and AFAB people to be misdiagnosed as ‘anxious’ and/or ‘depressed’. Sent away with an antidepressant prescription and nothing more than a bandaid solution. Fact: If adults do not receive appropriate support to manage their ADHD, it can lead to a reduced quality of life, including substance abuse, unemployment or underemployment, and premature death.
Medical gender bias allowed (and still allows) doctors to minimise a patient’s experience with a simple assumption that hormonal fluctuations and lifestyle choices are the root cause of whatever challenges are being experienced. That’s why it’s so important to find an ADHD-literate, neuroaffirming practitioner.
Taking off your mask is the first step of validating your neurotype.
It’s going to feel uncomfortable and uncertain - but you’re not alone on this journey. This is your line in the sand moment, where you choose to stop shaming yourself and start exploring how your ADHD offers strengths with the obvious struggles. Take out your journal and reflect on the following questions:
Where have I been pretending? Who makes me feel like I need to keep masking?
How have I been self-medicating? How have I been self-sabotaging?
What strengths and struggles have I developed relating to my ADHD differences?
As always, sending you compassion and curiosity,
Ceri Sandford
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-signs-hidden-overlooked-symptoms/