fighting the shame of shoulds

demands, differences, and divergence

I’ve decided to record this essay because I want you to truly hear how I speak about my neurodivergent differences, especially the end.

Have you allowed yourself the time and space to acknowledge the daily demands that are placed on you at home, in relationships, in social settings, and in the workplace? These can feel endless for anyone, but with executive function challenges – it forces frustration, flustered feelings of trying to keep up with it all and failing.

You catch yourself thinking once again, ‘I should be able to this…’

Your effort and motivation aren’t what’s stopping you. They’ve never been the issue.

Executive Functioning Differences

A neurotypical adult has the consistent power of prioritisation, planning, and organisation on their side. Their prefrontal cortex came with an executive function system full of labelled shelves, filing cabinets, and an ability to find what is needed for each task. With a working memory that actually works and self-monitoring systems that actually monitor, they’re experiencing life differently to you.

You don’t have less executive function skills, but inconsistent access to them.

Your differences aren’t all bad either, more on that later.

But first, let’s validate your reason for feeling disorganised and flustered by the daily demands. Starting by acknowledging that your challenges with task initiation, prioritisation, planning, and organisation are all completely valid. As well as any struggles with working memory, time management, self-monitoring, and emotional regulation. Judging yourself as an ADHD adult, without recognising your differences, is like criticising a person who can’t see without their glasses.

“You should be able to see.” Bit of dick move, right?

Highly recommend trusting an expert like Dr Russell Barkley to teach you all about executive function differences.

For me personally, sometimes daily demands feel entirely achievable… and other days (like today) they’re waves crashing down on my head again and again and again. If you’ve been caught under waves, you know the feeling of rushing up to get air and being met with more salty water shoved up your nose. It’s unpleasant.

Effort and motivation aren’t the issue.

Yesterday I was swimming like a pro. My schedule was full of ADHD coaching clients and I powered through with confidence. I coached. I cooked. I cleaned. Frankly, I couldn’t believe how well everything was going. When I have access to consistently good executive functioning, I feel fucking invincible.

When it’s low, like today, probably due to an energetic joy hangover - things feel hard. I’ve seen this referred to as a boom bust cycle, where you go boom with productivity and then bust with the aftermath of said productivity. I’ve also heard it described as borrowing energy from the next day. Perhaps that’s what’s drained my executive functioning, but the culprits can also be - poor sleep, nutrition, and lack of exercise.

Demands That Feel Demanding

A glimpse into the tired mind of a neurodivergent adult:

Dirty dishes are demanding that you wash them after every single meal, day after day. Toilet paper is demanding to be added to the shopping list, as well as more bread and milk. Bathroom basins, dinner tables, and countertops are demanding to be wiped down.

“I should be more organised.”

Your darling dogs are demanding to be fed, medicated, washed, walked, and loved. Your exercise equipment is demanding to be used rather than collecting dust. Your pile of books on your bedside table are demanding to be read at least once.

“I should be more motivated.”

Friendly text messages are demanding for catchups, updates, and free space in your calendar. Emails are demanding that you get the latest weekly never-before-done-before discount. Upcoming appointments are demanding that you be on time and don’t forget your wallet. Work tasks are demanding that you stop fucking procrastinating and get started already.

“I should be more responsible.”