how to use this compassion guide - and what you'll need for the journey
how to use this compassion guide - and what you'll need for the journey
support tools, network, and mindset
"Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend—focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion?"
— Kristen Neff
It’s time to prepare for your journey.
Consider experimenting with the following ADHD-friendly tools. Each one has been a major support on my personal compassion journey, but ultimately you decide which tools are right for your toolbox. Trust that the simplest answer is often the best.
BUILD OR ADJUST YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK
Every adult with ADHD (at least those who I have coached and befriended) have all shared how damaging it is to receive an onslaught of negative messages as children; a lifetime of corrections and criticisms intended to change the way you exist in the world naturally. Therefore, it’s highly likely that the voice of your inner-critic is not your own, usually an unfair echo of the well-intentioned parent, friend, or colleague who has been projecting onto you from the past.
We have internally categorised these comments as a truth. Unravelling this trail of ignorant echos in your mind will take years, but it is a worthy quest and one that I recommend to be taken with the guidance of a qualified mental health professional. In Australia, this is a basic step-by-step process.
Think of it like a game.
Level 1: Visiting a trusted doctor for your mental health plan (AU), which will take two sessions and probably be full to the brim with nervous energy and uncontrollable sobbing. Valid. Asking that GP for a referral to a neuroaffirming psychologist is how you’ll win this round. You’ll get to share everything that’s ever happened to make you think “I’m definitely experiencing the world in a different way”. Don’t hold back!
Level 2: Ring (or sometimes it’s possible to email) that psychologist’s office and ask the receptionist to book in an appointment as soon as possible for an ADHD diagnosis. It’s important to mention that this level cannot give you access to medication. You’ll need to find the details of a recommended psychiatrist who will help you to figure out your treatment plan, including medication type and dosage.
FYI: Telehealth (via phone or online) can be a wonderful option for neurodivergent adults who find in-person therapy an overwhelming commitment due to time, travel, location, and accessibility. Depending on your specialist, you could trial Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and maybe even a dash of Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) - but hey, what do I know, I’m not a licensed medical or mental health professional.
Bonus Level: Surround yourself with family and friends who listen as you share vulnerably about the ways that ADHD has impacted and continues to impact your life.
Which friends are understanding of my differences?
How can I access support with processing and understanding my ADHD?
How can I keep an open mind about the therapy style that best supports my needs?
NOTICE OR ADJUST YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE
A pessimistic explanatory style fuels negative beliefs, often stemming from years of criticism throughout childhood and adolescence. If you had your experiences repeatedly invalidated and your sensitivities minimised - by family, friends, teachers, or any other influential figures. It’s time to forget the societal rules and neuronormative constructs that suggest there is one way of doing things. Your individual needs and differences are expected and respected here.
If you’re finding a task, event, conversation, or commitment to be challenging, remind yourself of the temporary nature of this challenge. Collect evidence of the times in your life when you have navigated a situation like this and found a solution that honoured your needs and differences.
What is possible if I reduced the demands and adjusted the environment?
What if it all worked out? What if this struggle was teaching me something?
What has this experience taught me about my wants, needs, and interests?
FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU
Try embodying the sponge mindset. Absorb the messages that resonate and feel relevant, then rinse out what doesn’t apply to your individual context. Technically, each chapter of this guide has been organised in a sequential flow, building up your compassion, step by step, brick by brick. But hey, who says that there is only one way to walk the path? You can rewrite the narrative and learn to trust yourself again. I did.
Should is ‘could’ - with shame attached. Forget the timeline because time is an illusion. Give yourself permission to start, stop, finish, restart, skip, and do whatever feels right for you. If you’ve ever read the creative and spiritual book ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron, there is such sweet liberation in writing your own fucking rules and throwing out the concept of “this is how it should be done”. What if it isn’t the right season in life for you to devour these lessons? If so, come back when you have the space.
Does this feel relevant and realistic for my personal context?
How could I embrace an experimental mindset and try one shift at a time?
What has worked for me in the past, and what about it was useful for me?
EXTERNALISE YOUR THINKING
Keep notes, lists, brainstorms, quotes, activities, questions, and anything else that captures your interest because it’s relevant to your individual experience. Keep them in an external place like your phone, your journal, your social media, wherever you dang well please. Generally, people with ADHD process new knowledge by externalising or verbalising it. If you dump it out somewhere, written or typed, you’re externalising an experience from within to outside of yourself. Then you’re able to witness how you’re thinking, feeling, and understanding. If you chat with a friend or share your thoughts out loud in a video, this is a way of verbalising the information. Again, offering the opportunity to witness and inspect what you’ve learned. Post it notes are a divinely bright source of reminders and short, sharp, shiny messages.
Please consider finding a journal specifically for your compassion journey.
If you’re going to rewrite your stories, start with whatever story you’re currently telling yourself about journalling - that it’s too hard, too boring, too much effort. Allow your journals to be a shitstorm of nonsensical processing, dumping, and filtering. Forget rules, rhyme, or reason. Personally, I realised that hardcover books with 100gsm+ paper and bright coloured covers are a motivating reminder to pick up the pen. Better yet, never put them away. Keep them bright and in sight.
Side note, you wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to an ADHD brain when you’re writing in books that you love, with pens that feel nice, drinking from a cup that makes you smile. Inject joy and fun into this process. It’s not homework, it’s self-discovery!
What kind of stationery do I find inviting and exciting?
If I have journalled in the past, what inspired me to pick up the pen?
How can I allow the journal to be a perfectly imperfect mess?
Chapter one is up next. We are exploring our differences, but first - a reminder to externalise or verbalise any realisations that might have popped into your head while reading this. Remember, your best is enough, you can honour your energy, and you can (one day hopefully) embrace your chaos! Yes, that’s a line from my podcast.
Sending you compassion and curiosity,
Ceri Sandford