the choice to challenge your thinking - exploring your explanatory style
swapping criticism for compassion
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style."
— Maya Angelou
Right now, you have a choice. Continue to think, speak, and act critically towards yourself… or challenge that criticism with fierce unwavering compassion.
Almost a decade ago, I couldn’t have fathomed the self-trust and self-compassion that is now possible after years of reflection, support, and therapy. Life pre-ADHD-diagnosis was bleak. I had allowed internal accusations to go unchallenged and assumed that all of my struggles were due to personal flaws and failures…
“You always need extensions. You could do this if you tried harder. You should be able to show up like everyone else. What’s wrong with you? If you were more disciplined, people wouldn’t be so constantly disappointed. Why bother trying? Things will never work out for you. You’ll just let them all down, again.”
Martin Seligman calls this a ‘pessimistic explanatory style’.
I call it - fucking exhausting.
Initially, I resented his victim-blaming term ‘learned helplessness’, believing that this implied my depression was my fault and that he blamed my pessimistic perceptions. After continued study of positive psychology books and articles, I started to reflect on the impact of my internal belief system and the cruel inner critic who offered nothing but snark and vitriol.
That was when things started to change…
When I took a step back to consider how my pessimistic explanatory style had impacted my life, I realised that claiming my identity as an impulsive, disorganised, unreliable, and irresponsible person was keeping me stuck. I felt helpless and caught in a cycle of poor choices, believing this is who I was and who I would always be.
Although I cannot control external events, like how I’m treated by others or the unexpected curve balls that are thrown in my direction, I have come to see how my response to those events will dramatically affect the rest of my day. I choose to see the best in not only myself, but in others.
Can you see where this is leading?
Seligman suggests that pessimistic people adopt the belief that their problems are permanent, pervasive, and internal. In other words, they’re blaming themselves for how things are, for how they’ve always been, and for how they will always be. Have you ever felt yourself being drained by someone’s determination to believe that, no matter what, we are destined for doom and gloom? This resistance to hope and to focusing on what is possinle has always reminded me of this image:
What if your past struggles were temporary rather than permanent, were specifically related to one event rather than pervasively impacting every facet of your life, and caused by external factors rather than an internal failure? What if we chose optimism?
In hindsight, I wasn’t helpless - and neither are you.
Step 1: Stop using toxic coping strategies to avoid healing and the internal work.
Step 2: Take responsibility for the direction of your life, health, career, and relationships.
Step 3: View everyday situations through a compassionate and curious lens.
Step 4: Validate your differences, experiences, and struggles - pre/post diagnosis.
Step 5: Find a therapist who understands and affirms your neurotype - ADHD.
The simplified path above is my own. Take a moment to consider what your path forward could look like and whether there is a choice that could act as the first domino in a line of positive changes towards a more compassionate future.
What could be your first step towards being less self-critical?
How could you move away from feeling helpless towards feeling empowered?
What if your ADHD was both a strength and a struggle?
If you are ready to rewrite the shame stories that keep you feeling broken, then it’s time to explore your life with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Your executive function challenges aren’t due to lack of effort or skill. Your brain is different, meaning that your entire nervous system is different, and that difference is not a death sentence.
A fun little takeaway task: What you would tell your younger self to help her show more compassion about her choices in the past? Remember, she didn’t have the answers, life experiences, or maturity that you have now. She didn’t know why.
Your ADHD was misunderstood, unmanaged, unsupported, and unseen. Your constant reckless and impulsive behaviour wasn’t because you were a bad person. Your boredom and restlessness weren’t toxic traits. Your ability to exceed in some areas of life but then struggle to cook dinner or clean your space wasn’t due to laziness. Every time you found yourself struggling to focus, follow through, and find energy was a valid struggle connected to your unique brain. Things are hard, but you are capable. Please know that things will work out and you will not always feel this way.
In the next chapter, you will discover why an optimistic explanatory style is so important for your personal compassion journey, as well as other tools to support your progress. Remember, your best is enough, you can honour your energy, and you can (one day hopefully) embrace your chaos! Yes, that’s a line from my podcast.
Sending you compassion and curiosity,
Ceri Sandford