high masking debate

compassion as a form of rebellion

This article is asking you to consider small actions that you could take to begin prying off the self-identifying labels like ‘perfectionist’ and ‘people-pleaser’. I’ve been slowly picking at these two labels for years now. Like the begrudging sticker still clinging onto an empty jar, the labels aren’t coming off without a little patience…

Take Your Time

A lifelong label isn’t just going to rip off. You’ve got to let it soak; weaken it a little. It’s been part of your identity for so long that you believed it was a good thing. I know I did. That’s why I needed to start writing again. Using a journal (which I know most people find terrifying, including myself five years ago), I started to challenge my old beliefs. I wrote down the words I used to describe myself and picked them apart.

Did I want to keep being this person who felt pressured and exhausted constantly?

“I just have really high standards,” I would say, with pride.

Ugh. The idea of letting someone down was all the fuel I needed to pull an all nighter, to say yes when I needed to say no, and to “always go above and beyond.” I saw my needs as negotiable and expendable. I put everything on hold time and time again.

Relatable? I wonder if a couple of sentence starters might help you to journal.

Just two, nothing excessive:

Perfectionism has helped me… but it’s also cost…
People pleasing means saying yes to everyone else, but saying no to…

Suggesting that you abandon these labels is probably uncomfortable to read. I read somewhere that people pleasing and perfectionism were self-abandonment. That stuck with me. I wrote it in my journal. Another great quote I heard was that every time we say yes to others before considering our needs, we are saying no to ourselves.

I started to collect phrases that would empower me to build boundaries, ask for help, and validate my differences. Not knowing I was neurodivergent, I believed that my biggest issue was that I wasn’t doing something right or hadn’t found *the answer*.

I was right in a way.

Try A New Perspective

You’ll notice the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed is reduced when you begin to explore life differently and acknowledge what works for you. After all, why is all the pressure and responsibility on your neurodivergent shoulders to figure out how to fit into their version of ‘normal’ or meet their standard of ‘enough’?

• How do you feel about the five day work week?

• How many hours do you want to work in one day?

• How could you be better supported at home, work, and in relationships?

It’s not selfish to honour your needs first.

Would you rather unrealistic or compassionate standards?

I had to sit with this for a long time and acknowledge the fact that my standards have always come at an exhausting cost. They forced me to work longer and harder. They wasted precious time, money, and energy searching for the right answer, solution, fix, strategy, system, hack.

They made me think that I had to do enough to be told I am enough.

You know what? I still produce exceptional work - but now I push back against the belief that I’m never doing enough. I am the person who decides what is enough. I get to show up every day and validate my frickin’ self:

“YOU’RE DOING ENOUGH! YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN ENOUGH!”

That’s voice is the opposite of an inner-critic. It’s a little cheesy and awkward to hear at first. You’re so used to being brutally burned by the automatic judgement that you’ll feel like it’s a bit fake or forced. It’s not. You’re sending yourself the same message you tell everyone else without hesitation.

“You’re actually doing so well.”

Can you imagine? Reassurance over ridicule. It sounds too good to be true, but I’m the walking, talking proof that you can swap a vicious critic for a compassionate cheerleader. With time, patience, and support - it’s genuinely possible.

But what if…

There is an intense fear of being seen as incompetent. I had it. My clients have it. You’re probably feeling it stir up in your gut right now.

But what if they think I’m lazy or stupid?
But what if they say no when I ask for help?

Don’t just challenge the assumptions of others, start challenging your own belief that everyone around you will judge a neurodivergent person for requiring basic adjustments and accomodations in home, work, and social environments.

Honestly, some workplaces are discriminatory. They hide behind inclusive practices, but they’re just judgemental in sneakier ways. It’s okay to be apprehensive about potential ableism from the mouths (or minds) of your friends, family, and colleagues.

But, there’s always a chance that we’re wrong.

If we don’t ask, the answer is already no - so, what if it went well and they did better?

I’m hopeful.

Sending compassion and curiosity,

Ceri Sandford
ADHD Coach

PS: High-functioning is an outdated term that inaccurately describes the illusion of having it all together by pushing yourself into a state of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. It suggests that adults who are appear functioning in public are not sacrificing their health, time, money, and energy to achieve this.

PPS: Want to meet up? I’m hosting a Q&A event HERE where you can pop in to hear more about my plans for 2025, including my podcast and group progam. KAPOW!

PPPS: Here are my examples of journal answers for the suggested prompts:

Perfectionism has helped me to get through college, university, and teaching - but it also cost my mental and physical health. It meant that I was over-working so that I could keep up and pretend that I didn’t need more support. It meant that I allowed awful people to criticise me and I took this as painful truth. It exhausted me until my body was so riddled with stress and anxiety that I had to take a break.

People pleasing meant that I was always saying yes to everyone else, but this meant I was saying no to my need for silence, for support, for breaks, for slowness. I ignored the signs that I needed to do less because I didn’t want to let anyone down. In the end, I let myself down. That’s why I choose to honour my needs now.