the myth of doing it 'right'

abandoning the search for the perfect solution

How long have you been searching for the right way to be an adult?

Each week I have the pleasure and privilege of working with late-diagnosed ladies and non-binary folks who are learning to swap unrealistic expectations for loving and compassionate ones. Our coaching conversations are safe spaces where we can spotlight the thoughts and beliefs that are barriers to their personal progress.

I shouldn’t have to ask for an extension. It would only inconvenience my team. Everyone else was able to meet the deadline. If everyone else can do it, then I should be able to get it done too. I’ll just try harder, do more, and figure it out by staying later. It’s my fault for not being organised enough...

Does anyone else read that as - it’s my fault for not being neurotypical enough?

This is why I always begin sessions by celebrating each client’s rebellion against their perfectionistic belief of never doing enough and people pleasing pressure to always say yes no matter the personal cost. For the first five joyful minutes, we focus on spotlighting any small progress and every tiny win.

You asked for help? Self-advocacy win.
You left early? Self-regulation win.
You experimented with novelty? Self-motivation win.
You allowed yourself to rest? Self-compassion win.

If you currently feel stuck believing that masking your struggles and shoulding all over yourself is what keeps you succeeding, you’ll really enjoy these articles:

high masking debate

fighting the shame of shoulds

This month, I’m asking you to notice the thoughts that are responsible for pushing you beyond your capacity and making you believe that you’re always behind. Many ADHD adults revert back to automatic ableism if they leave their invalidation unchecked, I did.

Five years ago, I decided to start a business.

I resigned from teaching to create a life that better supported my needs. And yet, I caught myself constantly trying to figure out how to run my business the right way. Fucking capitalism fuelled productivity obsessed bullshit. Excuse my language. Haha.

I purchased all the resources, courses, and mentoring I could find online, rather than listening to my own intuition. I thought someone else had all the answers and I just needed to pick their brains to find them. I tried MONDAY, TRELLO, and CLICK UP. I paid time, money, and energy to realise that - there is no right organisation tool that will suddenly fix everything.

I designed schedules to work at my desk for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Then last year, everything changed.

I stopped believing that I needed someone else to give me the answers.

I took everything I knew, everything I had read, and everything I had studied. I let myself fail fast and figure out what wasn’t working. I began an experiment with self-trust and my business had it’s best year yet. This year, I’m on track to do it again.

Not because I suddenly have found the solution, the one right way - but because I have allowed myself to stop obsessing over routines and rules. Both my clients and myself have given ourselves permission to EXPERIMENT.

• What could it look like if I… ?

• How might I…?

• What if I tried… ?

• What if I allowed myself to…?

The reassurance you’re seeking from others can be found within yourself.

Finding freedom from the ‘fix me trap’ involves the rebellious act of self-validation. Read that again. Finding freedom from the ‘fix me trap’ involves the rebellious act of self-validation. You need to believe that your needs are and have always been valid. Choosing to believe it even when the internalised ableism is raging with accusations like if you wanted to do it, you would have started earlier.

I know because I have had to challenge those same thoughts that kept me hostage in a cycle of overcompensation and burnout. I had to challenge the belief that if I ask for more time they’ll think I’m incompetent with - well actually, my executive functioning differences with planning, prioritising, organisation, and time awareness make a pretty damn good argument for why I’ll need an extension. Compassion comebacks. Try them. They might feel silly at first, but the more you reassure and validate your needs, the more confident you’ll feel advocating for yourself.

There’s no limit to advocacy. You don’t run out of tickets. Your advocacy doesn’t have an expiration date on it. Too many of us feel like we get a couple of chances to speak up and then anything beyond that is… asking too much? Except it’s not. Every time you advocate for your needs, you’re validating that they exist.

Don’t just challenge the assumptions of others, start challenging your own belief that everyone around you will judge [you] for requiring basic adjustments and accomodations in home, work, and social environments.

You’ll need to hear reassurance like this often.

In fact, you’ll need to the one who is doing the most reassurance because that intense internalised ableism is the result of decades of voices invalidating and ignoring your needs. Late again? Messy again? Bailing again? Forgot again? Lost again?

Your ADHD-related differences aren’t the only issue, it’s also the expectation that they won’t impact you on a daily basis. Imagine a person who needs glasses to drive gets on the road and feels frustrated with themselves for not being able to see…

They need glasses and you need compassionate expectations.

1. Explore how you experience ADHD by learning about executive function differences and the traits associated with your presentation of ADHD.

2. Acknowledge that environment, sleep, nutrition, movement, hormones, and stress levels can all impact your ADHD. You may also have additional emotional triggers, such as extreme sensitivity to disapproval and criticism.

3. Allow yourself to experience fluctuating energy, emotions, and motivation - especially if you have a hormonal cycle that decreases your oestrogen. This has a whopping effect on mood and executive functions EVERY MONTH. It’s wild.

4. Accept that consistent inconsistency and messy momentum are your strength. Rather than fuelling your motivation with judgement, try experimenting with curiosity. Forget the rules and honour your needs freely.

5. Embrace your fucking chaos. I’m a visual, tactile, and colour-loving learner. This means I’ll go out of my way to print it out, cut it up, stick it down, and draw all over it. I need to find the fun in functional or I’ll avoid the task. I need it to be front of mind or I’ll forget it exists. I need to let go of doing things ‘the right way’.

Releasing the right way will help you discover your way.

There’s no more right way, only the way that feels good for me.

I dare you to experiment.

I dare you to find the fucking fun in functional.

I dare you to find what feels good for you.

Sending you hyperfixations and hot coffee,

Ceri Sandford
ADHD Compassion Coach

PS: Let me know what you think of this month’s article in the comments. I would love to know if anything resonated. Consider re-sharing this compassionate message!